Reality

Sometimes being "the big sexy girl" is very hard. Well, not sometimes, always...for me anyway. I wasn't raised to say naughty words or talk about "bad" things in public. I had to learn to be sassy.  LA has been good to me in some ways and terrible in others. IN THIS TOWN...
I learned people who say they are your friends usually aren't. There is always a hidden agenda. People love you when you can make them money and don't know you when you're sick or fat. Once in a while, you find a pure spirit but it's rare. Where I come from, it's the opposite. When you're doing great, you don't hear from anyone because no news is good news. When you're down, everyone comes to your aid. NOT so in Hollywood. There are good people here, but you can't just trust everyone on site, which is what I've done to my detriment. I AM  thankful for my best friends who have seen me through a very rough few years. I've had some angels that have saved me many times. I don't mention names, but you know who you are.

My image has gone under reconstruction tooooo many times! ah! I really just want to be me. I don't want to be the sexpot diva anymore, which I was just typecast into due to my figure anyway. I'm actually a funny, dorky girl who is very modest and loves kids. I can't even undress in front of other models let alone on camera. (that religious upbringing doesn't go away) Sometimes suiting up in all my endorsed leather and spandex is just too much for me. (I live in a black Isabella Bird long dress at home) I wish people could see that my brain and my wit are bankable enough without the T & A.Yes, I can sashay around looking sexy, but I do have to try. Acting sexy doesn't come naturally to a girl like me. All that seductive behavior is learned. Just like my "radio voice" is put on. In real life I sound like a girl on the phone, not a hot dominant sexy woman.

I'm just tired of having to look sexy. I know I shouldn't be writing this in a public forum, but sometimes change has to come from the source first. There is no reason why I can't play normal roles. Thank GOD for Christina Hendricks. She is making way for us big curvy girls. My body doesn't match my face and my face doesn't match my personality.

I do have a big personality. I'm fun and silly and opinionated some rather extreme political views. I don't think people take me seriously anymore. I feel like I've become a cartoon of my image, not myself. How that happened, I don't know, but it did. I just can't help but wonder why being an amazing singer and actress isn't enough... without all the extra sexy nonsense.Why isn't my cute bare face that Kimberly Butler shot so well, enough? Most people say they like the no makeup look better anyway. hmmm. well, that's my "downtrodden hollywood rant" for the day. I bounce back fast, so I'll be okay. I just wonder sometimes...

Love to you all,
Malena